Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
I'm having to shit out rocks
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