I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
she smelled like a LAN party
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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