just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
