Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
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