She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
