update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
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