come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
