Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize