i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Ladies don't puke and tell
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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