the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Randomize
