I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
