i would punch a child for taco bell
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
