So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
