john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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