There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
