you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
