this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
