I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Randomize
