Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
