You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
