I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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