Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Randomize
