he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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