I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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