I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
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