Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
