so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
