he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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