Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Randomize
