I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
