i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
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