I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
