I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
