there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Randomize
