The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Randomize
