but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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