if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Randomize
