i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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