I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
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