ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Randomize
