Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Still dying that you shit outside
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Randomize
