WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
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