Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
