Will you blow on my dice?
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
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