I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
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