I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
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