new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
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