I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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