i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
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I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
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So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
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