Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
