a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
