I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
