The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
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