dude i'm inner monologue high
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Randomize
