I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
