Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
