i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Randomize
