I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
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