Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
